Breastfeeding…. Bottle feeding…

I am not sure if there are words that are more controversial in parenting (well maybe with the exclusion of vaccination – but we can do that next week!).

Let me put this out there right now – I was a Brand Manager for an infant formula company for many years, both here in Australia and overseas. I have sat through hours and hours (and hours) of market research watching mums talk about breast feeding, bottle feeding, about how (when still pregnant) that they will have routines, their lives won’t change, how (post birth) they wish someone told them not to expect to have a routine, why they often feel guilty that they can’t live up to their own expectations (let alone other peoples) and how much they wish other parents/ grandparents and society would not judge them for their feeding choices… And interestingly, how they wished they could get more information about infant formula and why they feel so very guilty.

Yes, I worked for a formula company. Yes, it was in our interest to hear this. But in reality, there is very little ability to share good, thorough information about infant formula in Australia. We are not even able to call it baby milk here (you can in the UK). Here we have a mandated name so that it sounds clinical and scary and not as good for babies.

And I understand that breast milk is best. Not only did I have to write the “Breastfeeding is best for your baby” statement on any “marketing literature” that I developed in Australia (creating guilt for mums much anyone?), but I also did breastfeed both of my children. But I was able to and I wanted to. At the time of working for the “Big Pharma” company, I had read all of the current studies on why breastfeeding is beneficial and researched at length what ingredients I should be lobbying to have included in our formulas to make them better for babies and as close as possible to breast milk. Because, you know what, isn’t that what we all want? If we can’t, or chose not to breast feed, don’t we want to give our babies the next best thing?

And you can yell at me and tell me I am biased, but no matter what, I have worked in the industry and seen the research involved. I understand that without profits, there would not be significant research gains. Unless governments are going to start fully funding research and development into every illness, every health requirement, we need companies to make a profit. Otherwise, we all need to dig a lot deeper and start donating significant amounts of money to research of all kinds.

So as a mum who breastfed, as business women who worked for a formula company and as a parenting writer, I believe that we need to give mums (and dads) respect for their intelligence. We need to support mums in their choices. Help them to breastfeed, but not at the expense of their baby’s health or the mother’s mental state. When they can’t (or chose not to) breastfeed, give them the information to help them chose the right formula for their child. It may not be the most expensive formula (or maybe it will be), but without full access to unbiased information, how can a parent make an educated choice between formulas.

We need to take a step back from the health professional bashing and “it is all about profit” claims.

We need to work together. We need to make it all about mum and baby.

Baby, no more

Baby, no more

Tonight while I was cooking dinner I realised that I am done. With babies that is. No more for me. I have always said I would like another; however as I stood there at the stove, with my husband driving my two kids home from their swimming lessons, I realised that my life is pretty good just the way it is. Of course if there was an accident, I am sure I would welcome a baby. But right now, I can live without ever having to breastfeed for 6 – 24mths, change nappies, clean poo/wee of EVERYTHING, wake throughout the night constantly (other than every 2 – 3 hours for my type 1 daughter), and generally have a screaming baby be MY responsibility.

I have never been fond of babies. Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mum. And I have always wanted to be a mum. I loved my own babies and thought they were beautiful. But for the most part, other people’s babies are pretty ugly and boring. My sisters haven’t had kids yet, so maybe that will be different. I am fairly maternal in my behaviour, so people seem to insist on handing me their babies, which I generally try to resist. Once they are over 12 months I am great; but before that, not so much.

People always ask if you have finished having babies. I don’t think you can answer that question without getting the opposite response from the asker.  Of my two closest friends, one is done and one wants another. And yet when someone asks “Are you going to have another?” The friend who replies, “Oh, no I have 4, I am done”, seems to always get, “You should never rule it out” and the friend who says, “Yes, I would like another at some stage”, hears “You are so lucky to have 3 wonderful kids”. Okay then.

Of course the most interesting responses I have had when discussing the possibility of a new baby have come from my two kids. My 6 year old son and 4 year old daughter love the idea of a baby. But it is when we get down to logistics that things become interesting. Both of my kids co-sleep (still) from time to time (the “time” being almost every night from around midnight, plus when my husband is away for work). So when we discussed where the baby would sleep this caused great concern and agreement that is was probably best that we stayed at just two kids, as mummy only had two armpits for cuddles!

I am not sure what I will say when asked if I am having any more kids. It is still too new for me. I only shared my newfound knowledge with my husband over dinner. He looked quite amused really, as he was already in the “done” camp.

All of that said, I do reserve the right to change my mind.

You have been chosen...

God chooses parents for specific reasons... God gave your daughter diabetes because you are able to cope... and so it goes on. How often do I have to hear this? I actually just heard it today for a friend who has a child with something other than diabetes, but it is still offensive and I still can’t believe people say it, and say it quite often.

I am not going to get into the “is there or isn’t there” a God thing... but frankly, if there is a God, I would hope he wouldn’t choose to give any child any disease or disability for any reason, whether the mother could cope or not. I would hope if there is a God that this is a mistake, not a plan on His behalf.

Every time I hear this I think back to my angels’ diagnosis. My darling angel (DA) and I spent 10 days in hospital (with 2 days in ICU), and during this time got to meet many mothers of children with a variety of different diseases, development issues and disabilities. There were a few that really stuck in my mind, and make me grateful for everything that I have and for those who have helped me to be who I am.

The most distressing was a little girl who was 1 day older than my DA. She also had diabetes, however had been diagnosed at 9 months and had been in hospital for 2 months. During that time, the hospital staff had been trying to train her parents in the management of her diabetes. It is definitely hard to manage the diabetes of a baby that young, as I found out trying to manage my DA’s diabetes at 11 months, however these parents had struggled and their daughter had not been released from hospital.

My first few days on the main ward, I had come across the mum on numerous occasions, and she kept a hugely detailed diabetes diary and encouraged me to do the same. (As an aside, this was great advice and something that I did do for the first 6 months or so... however it is very time consuming and I have let a lot of the detail slide of the last 7 or 8 months). She seemed to be quite positive and it made me concerned for how I would cope, seeing that her daughter was still in hospital. It wasn’t until I had been there a while, I realised that the mum had ups and downs, and when she and her partner had a huge screaming fight on the ward (and it appeared that he was high) that I realised why their daughter was still in hospital. Not long after that fight, the ward went into shutdown for days (with security everywhere), and we found out that their daughter had been taken into custody of the state.

Now, back to my initial point... just checking... God chose these parents on purpose? This mum was specifically chosen to have a baby with diabetes?

My heart still breaks when I think of this little girl, just a day older than mine. She had a number of brothers and sisters and I don’t know what happened to them.

What I believe is that sometimes things happen. It is no one’s fault. No one plans it. But for those of us with great support, for those of us who have a strong family base to turn to, for those of us who have been given or taken good opportunities in life, we cope and our children get stronger and hopefully thrive. We adapt and we do the best we can.

But please don’t insult us by saying that we have been chosen.